DA: What's up Lance? Tell us about yourself.
LC: That’s a pretty open-ended question that could lead to some scary answers if my internal censors were somehow compromised. I think that my Goodreads.com profile does the best job of describing me: “The Dr. Reverend Lance Carbuncle was born sometime during the last millennium and he’s been getting bigger, older and uglier ever since. Carbuncle is an ordained minister with the Church of Spiritual Humanism. Carbuncle doesn’t eat deviled eggs and he doesn’t drink cheap beer. Carbuncle doesn’t wear sock garters. Carbuncle does tell stories. Carbuncle’s stories are channeled through a pathetic little man who has to work a respectable job during the days in order to feed the infestation of children in his house.
DA: I'm glad I read Grundish and Askew. Great book! You seem like a movie guy. If I was to direct a movie what actors you think would fit roles for this book?
LC: When I wrote my first book, Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked and Spewed, I thought a lot about actors for my characters. But, with Grundish and Askew, it’s not something I’ve considered too much. I think that Rob Wells (Ricky from Trailer Park Boys) would be perfect for Askew (although he already kind of plays the same part in TPB). I learned about TPB when a reviewer compared Grundish and Askew to it. I breezed through the entire series of TPB within weeks (thanks Netflix) and was shocked at the many similarities of my book and the show. Rob Wells’ character was eerily similar to Askew, with his misspeak, misdirected anger, and general idiocy. He would completely nail the essence of Askew.
I think that Ryan Hurst (Opie from Sons of Anarchy) would be perfect for Grundish. He plays a big, stoic, bearded badass on SOA. I love that show and it did dawn on me as I watched that Hurst would do a great job on Grundish.
And, of course, there is the lowly donkey, Alf the Sacred Burro. I think Sarah Jessica Parker would be perfect as Alf. (Get it, nudge, nudge, she has a face like a donkey). Wow, that seems kind of mean spirited, doesn’t it? I wish there were some button on this stupid keyboard where I could erase what I just wrote. But, I am unaware of any such “erase” button and will just have to leave the comment.
DA: I stumbled and tripped over the balls on your web page (http://lancecarbuncle.com/) The records definitely gave me a couple broken ribs from laughter. So who is Uncle Hank?
LC: Uncle Hank is a mean old bastard. We have his framed picture hanging in our house, along with a toe bone and glass eye that are reputed to be his. We know that he is somehow related to my family, but we do not know if it is on my side or my wife’s. The mythology about Uncle Hank is involved and constantly evolving in my house. We know that he bit his tongue off as a child but could still enunciate his words clearly. He either had one or three testicles; we only know that it is an odd number. It is believed that Hank is dead, but occasionally, reports pop up that he was spotted at a puppet show or maybe walking a cat in a park. Sometimes we receive unsigned letters with strange postmarks and angry, disjointed rants. The bizarre missives are very much in a style similar to the drunken diatribes that Hank is reputed to have spewed at random, unfortunate passersby on the street. I have considered developing the mythology surrounding Uncle Hank by seeking stories and photos from other authors and compiling them into a book (maybe something along the lines of the Bob Dobbs, Three Fisted Tales of Bob, stories).
DA: I'm sure you heard this before but your last name is a Final Fantasy Summon. That would be one sick pet to have. Do you own any pets, What's your dream pet?
LC: I have a German shepherd, a longhaired Chihuahua, and several dead fish. I would like to own a chimp that has good hygiene, giant tits, no teeth, and can make strong mixed drinks.
DA: I need a sperm donor for insemination purposes.....Just messing I have four kids of my own and wouldn't want to pull an Arnold Schwarzenegger. Do you have kids & what actress would you donate your sperm too?
LC: Due to the endless requests for my baby batter, I will not donate it to anybody. If I were to comply with all requests, I would have carpal tunnel from buffing the carrot so much. So, I will apologize right now to Jessica Alba, Angelina Jollie and Charlize Theron. They simply cannot have my babies. I will not fill them full of my sperm. Instead, I am saving all of my seed in mason jars and I will sell the jars on EBay someday when they relax their unreasonable prohibitions on certain sales.
Oh yeah, also, I do have kids…many of them… all of whom will be horrified some day when they discover my books and interviews like this one.
DA: Tell us what's next for Lance Carbuncle?
LC: Well, first I think I’ll go and drop an Obama off at the oval office. Then maybe a nap. Ahh…perhaps you are asking if I have any new books coming out. Well, if that is the case, I do have my third book written. I have decided to actually try to find an agent and shop it around. However, it is quite possible that I will get too anxious and self-publish it myself. Either way, I’m aiming to have SLOUGHING OFF THE ROT (working title) in print within the next year. Also, I’m working up an ebook version of my first book, SMASHED, SQUASHED, SPLATTERED, CHEWED, CHUNKED AND SPEWED because I have had a lot of requests to put it into an e-format. That should be ready within the next year also. In the meantime, people should go to Lancecarbuncle.com and buy signed copies of my books.
Lance Cabuncle is the author of Grundish and Askew and Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked and Spewed. He is also affilated with Bizarro and has won awards such as; Readers Views 2009 Literary Award and Humorous Fiction. Be sure to check out his books for laughs and just some flavor for your eyes.