Friday, April 20, 2012
Friday Flash Fiction
This my first Flash Fiction piece so some comments good or bad would be nice. The video below is what gave me idea.
Don't Taunt the Bunnies
It all started on Easter Sunday the religious holiday. That is now taken over by an over-sized bunny, that delivers basket surprises, takes eggs our kids decorate no matter how horrible they look and poops jelly beans.
I awoke to the DVD title screen of Dora the Explorer's Egg Spectacular with Easter grass tangled in my hair. Remind you I have dreadlocks and have not washed them since X-Files went off the air. I'm in the bathroom trying to untangle this mess with my kids helping. Feels like I'm fucking with Christmas lights to string the tree. Later that day my kids are watching Peter Cotton Tail, the cult family classic and I fell asleep......zzzzz. Waking up 45 minutes later to my ass itching like I have hemorrhoids with out the burning pain. While in the bathroom again, Deja-Vu. I notice a fluffy cotton tail on my taint. I attempt to shave it off but my shaver is all of a sudden not in working order. Getting ready for supper at Cousin Ichabod's house with the wife and kids. When I see a little rabbit hop outta the toilet bowl, wiggling his nose at me. After our brief steering contest he scurries away back into the toilet. You can guess what's next..... I followed the little bugger into the underwater shit hole. After I squeeze my 145 pound frame through the hole I see eggs. Eggs decorated in all sorts of colors. A voice from the sky says. "Find your eggs." its a deep scary voice. "Huh!" I say although I heard it loud and clear. "Find your children's eggs if you want out." The voice says again. Oxygen is cut short as I'm trying to block the smell of rotting eggs with my shirt over my nose. However long tit took I found my kid's eggs. I hold them up like Link just found a piece of triangle from Legend of Zelda. I appear in my bathroom with shit on my upper lip, soaking wet and my wife and kids looking at me. "I won't ask, but hurry we are going to be late." My wife says escorting the kids away from doorway. At Cousin Ichabod's I fill up on fried shrimp, baked macaroni and cheese, ham, veggies and even Grandma's homemade apple pie. That looks like she made it with her feet on a bumpy bus ride. I go into the bathroom with a pain in my stomach like an elephant is trying to come out my anal. Sitting on the porcelain god after releasing half of Easter Sunday. I feel something tickling and tugging at my new taint cotton tail. Standing up and seeing that damn rabbit again. He is now sitting on toilet and I hear little drops plopping next to my droppings. The bunny disappears again, but this time I see colorful jelly beans floating around in the toilet. "Eat them" that strange voice says, this time coming from the baseboard heater next to toilet. "Why?" I ask. "To release that knot pf pain in your stomach" the voice speaks again. "But I don't f...." then I feel it. I dig in eating the brightly colored jelly beans with haste.
Auntie Mallory breaks down the door. The 300 pound aunt needs to release herself as well. Seeing me eating jelly beans where her fat ass needs to sit.
"Are you feeling alright or did you have some of grandma's apple pie?" She asks. "Um yeah" I say wiping my mouth, pulling my pants up forgetting to wipe. As Auntie Mallory brushes by me pinching my ass with a Lion King growl. The three things I just encountered. I don't know what is worse. The taint tickling rabbit from the toilet, eating jelly beans sauteing in my shit or Auntie Mallory pinching my ass.
Summer is coming quick and I still have a cotton tail taint, I now have whiskers growing out of my cheeks and my kids no longer have carrots in the house to eat. The only veggie we don't have to force down their throats. What did I ever do to deserve this? These loving creatures keep taunting me with the strange voice guy. I'm morphing into a human rabbit. I even twitch my nose when I get excited.
Then I remembered teasing the bunnies at the pet store the week before Easter. With the shadow puppet version. Singing "Little Rabbit Foo Foo." The moral is don't piss of these creatures around this time of year. They have to poop a lot of jelly beans for children.
THANKS FOR READING!
Posted by D. Armfield at 4:58 PM